Horoscope, Zodiac And Astrology Books For 2018

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Intimacy: Can Someone Be Unaware Of Their Own Fear Of Intimacy?

By Oliver JR Cooper 

If someone has the desire to be in an intimate relationship, they may find that it is only a matter of time before they meet the right person. Alternatively, they may find that they are only able to get so far.

The months will then pass and this area of their life won't change, causing them to experience a lot of frustration. There is even the chance that a number of years will pass and this area of their life still won't change.

Two Sides

One is then going to have the desire to be with someone but it won't be possible for them to fulfil this desire. It can then be as if they are playing their part, yet the world is not meeting them half way.

This could show that one has been using different dating apps and going out on a regular basis. If, after experiencing life in this way for quite some time, they were to feel like a victim, it wouldn't be a surprise.

Fully On Board

They will be clear about what they want to experience and they will have taken the steps to make this happen, only for this area of their life to have stayed the same. It will have been as though they picked a destination and followed the right directions to get there, however, they ended up somewhere else entirely.

Experiencing life in this way could cause them to believe that someone, or something, is holding them back. Seeing couples could be very hard for them, as it will remind them of exactly what they haven't been able to experience.

A Slightly Different Experience

At the same time, one may have been in a number of relationships but each time they may have been with someone who was unavailable. So, even though they were with them, they wouldn't have been able to emotionally connect to them.

They may find it hard to decide which of these two experiences is more frustrating, or they may find that being with someone who is unavailable is worse. The reason for this is that they would have got their hopes up, only to be brought right back down to earth again.

The Problem

If one has been with a number of people who were unable to commit, they may believe that other people are the ones who need to change, not them. Until they change and are ready to share their heart, their life won't change.

At some point, one could put this area of their life to one side and focus on other areas of their life. This area of their life is then going to be out of their control, and they will just have to wait until it changes.

Two Levels

The thing is, though, just because one says that they want to have a relationship and they take certain actions to make this happen, it doesn't mean that every part of them is on board with this desire. Nevertheless, if they are only aware of what is taking place in their head, what they do, and what they say to others, they are not going to realize this.

Deep down, in their unconscious mind, they may only feel comfortable with keeping people at a distance. Consciously, then, what is taking place is not going to make any sense but, unconsciously, everything will be going to plan.

Conflict

What this illustrates is that what is taking place in their unconscious mind has far more control over their life than what is taking place in their conscious mind. When these parts work together, magic can happen; when they don't, it can lead to a lot of pain and suffering.

The trouble is that when one is not aware of the impact that this part of them is having on their life, it can be normal for them to feel powerless. In most cases, what is going on 'out there' will be seen as the problem.

The Main Need

This part of them will only allow them to experience what feels safe; therefore, if they are unable to experience intimacy, it is likely to show that this is perceived as something that is a threat to their very survival. Now, it might be hard for their conscious mind to understand how intimacy could put their life at risk.

The thing about this part of ones being is that it can forget that it has forgotten about certain things. So, even though this part of them might completely dismiss this as having no basis in reality, it doesn't mean that this is the case.

Emotional Archaeology

If one was to put what is taking place in their conscious mind to one side and to reflect on what took place during their early years, they may gain a certain amount of insight into their current challenge. They may find that this was a time when their boundaries were not respected.

This could have been a time when they felt smothered and overwhelmed by the people around them, which would have caused them to lose themselves. At this age, this would have been a lot for them to handle, and getting close to others would then have been associated as something that wasn't safe.

Awareness

As the years passed, ones conscious mind (head) would have gradually forget about what took place but their unconscious mind (body) would have remembered. This part of them has no sense of time, so it won't be as though this is how their life was; it will be as though it is how their life is.

If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This can take place with the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Teacher, prolific writer, author, and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over one thousand nine hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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Happy Birthday To All Those Born In November


Betray Someone - What Happens?

By Stephen Russell-Lacy

Someone may feel you have betrayed them. Did you do or fail to do something? It is not so difficult to renege on a personal undertaking. We also betray a fellow worker if we take credit for their work. Or if we fail to stick up for them when someone unfairly criticizes them behind their back. I could betray a friend's trust if I were to gossip about an embarrassing personal matter he or she confided in me.

Author, John Gottman's What Makes Love Last? describes betrayal as at the heart of every failing sexual relationship, even if the couple is unaware of it. The obvious betrayal is sexual infidelity. Other types of betrayal include, telling lies, being unfair, and showing disrespect.

Betraying an important idea
Betraying a person is a familiar theme in works of fiction. There is also the betrayal of an idea. How many of us have actually remained steadfastly loyal to an inspiration we highly value - perhaps a political ideal, an ethical principle or a sense of vocation? Like me, have you ever sold out on an important commitment? Not kept faith with your guiding light?

There are those people who sacrifice much for the sake of working in line with professional ethics such as duty of care, or campaigning for social justice, or the improvement of the environment. Those of us not committed to a social or political cause, would probably be puzzled by the sense of shame and guilt experienced by some who feel they have failed in their mission. Who have not lived up to the ideals which had given them meaning and purpose in life. Who feel their actions have betrayed an all important principle.

These are not feelings that can be easily argued away. This kind of conscience is more than social learning or fear of what others might think. It is a matter of deeper awareness.

Betraying love
If we were to betray the trust of someone who doesn't matter to us then perhaps we would not feel inwardly too bad about it. Of course it might have some outward adverse consequences such as losing any advantages the relationship serves us or perhaps harming our social reputation. However, how horrible it must be to let down someone we cherish - our parents, children, or loving partner. We fear to do anything which displeases them. Or behave in any way that injures our loving relationship.

Betrayal by the religiously inclined
One might consider a religious person's guilty feelings as due to backsliding or falling short their ideal principles. However, I would suggest that for many it can be more about badly letting down someone who is loved. This for them is the sacred spirit whose personal presence they had sensed deeply in their soul. In other words, by failing to restrain their appetites or control selfish impulses, they seem to themselves to have created a subjective barrier with a divine ally and supporter.

They were conscious of one to whom they prayed person to person. From their perspective, it is their Lord with whom they confided their secrets, and who gave them consolation and encouragement. How terrible then it must feel to betray a deep commitment, letting down one's best, albeit invisible friend.

Christian existentialists such as Søren Kierkegaard recognize the need for a life of real repentance, for a realistic analysis of one's motives and actions, and an open and honest facing and struggle against all the disintegrating forces in oneself.

Response to those who betray

HURT
Julie Fitness, a psychologist has studied and written about the impact of betrayal in relationships. If you are depended on for concern and support and you betray this trust, then this is like a stab at the heart that leaves the other person feeling unsafe, diminished, and alone.

ANGER
Most of us haven't exposed our country to danger by treacherously giving information to an enemy. But in Great Britain traitors have in the past been hung, drawn and quartered. A most atrocious death for anyone to experience, revealing the anger expressed by society when responding to betrayal.

Writer F Diane Barth interviewed numerous women who described feeling betrayed by friends who could not tolerate or support them through an illness, or a divorce, or the loss of a spouse or child. Hurt can turn into anger which may prevent any renewal of the friendship. However, the angry response energizes some people to tackle the individual in an honest exchange. Often this allowed a working through of the difficulty.

DENIAL
On the other hand, one may minimize or even deny the hurt and anger. According to Jennifer Freyd of the University of Oregon, perpetrators, and witnesses may display 'betrayal blindness' in order to preserve personal relationships, their relationships with institutions, and social systems upon which they depend.

Responding to an extreme betrayal
According to the Bible narrative, Christ showed no sign of resentment, when betrayed by Judas Iscariot, one of those he called his friends. This despite the terrible consequence of being unjustly condemned and cruelly treated by his enemies and then tortured to death on the cross.

The response of Jesus to betrayal was a calm acceptance. We know there was no denial of the betrayal because he actually had predicted it. The rest of us would probably have given in to the impulse to bitterly complain, to express a grievance, or give vent to outrage perhaps cursing the friend who has caused our demise.

Like other major set backs in life, betrayal is something we probably will need to live with at some point. Perhaps we need to remember the cost of failing to keep faith with those we love. Also we have very real choices in how we react when someone badly lets us down, who we thought we could trust.

As a clinical psychologist, Stephen Russell-Lacy has specialized in cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy, working for many years with adults suffering distress and disturbance.

He edits Spiritual Questions a free eZine that explores links between spiritual philosophy and the comments and questions of spiritual seekers. You can share your views and find out more about making sense of life.

His eBook Heart, Head and Hands draws links between the psycho-spiritual teachings of the eighteenth century spiritual philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg and current ideas in therapy and psychology




How to Know You Took on Too Much

By Rosina S Khan  

Ever wondered about the title topic? Have you taken on too much without being aware of it? This article shows you an example and how you can be wary next time.

I remember getting up in the morning and doing the daily grind of chores and rituals including saying prayers and checking emails. I remember going to the nearby bank to pay telephone bill and neighboring groceries shop to buy bread for Mom who would be coming home that night after about a fortnight.

I stuck a chit on my brother's door, saying, Order two packets of mixed fried rice, saucy prawn and mixed vegetables which you usually buy from Boomers and also for yourself if you like. I further said that the order should reach home by 8pm although Mom was destined to come home after midnight.

I remember making boiled rice, smashed potatoes and salad for lunch. My brother was out dining with one or more of his friends. So I was all by myself.

I made a phone call to a man reminding of his van to bring my mother home. I didn't get him on the first call, rather on the second call. I asked for the cell phone and name of the driver and put the info on Facebook so that Mom would get it easily.

I boiled water in a big water pot, which will serve for drinking purposes in the family. Then at about 5pm I called my brother, who was still out, if he had put in the order. He said that whenever he would put in the order, they will reach the order home within a few minutes. On a hunch, I wondered if Boomers would be open by 8pm and told him, Order in now. The restaurant may not be open at 8pm.

I went for evening prayers and shortly after, the delivery boy rang the bell. He said it cost Tk506. I didn't have Tk6 and produced him Tk510 and asked him if could give me TK4. He could only give Tk2 and I had to be satisfied with that.

Meanwhile the water pot was fully boiling and when the water level had gone below a certain mark, I switched off the stove.

Next I started cleaning the kitchen. I put in the trash one of the food packets that I had eaten for dinner at about 8pm. The other packet had lost its warmth by another hour. So I put it in the fridge since Mom would be coming home much later.

Then the door bell rang again and this time it was my brother.

I carefully cleaned the table and put the final touch to the kitchen and threw all the trash that had accumulated by now through the garbage chute. By now it was 10pm. I had to stay awake for over two more hours.

I fiddled with my laptop and logged onto Facebook and saw some of the short messages left by Mom and regretted for not seeing them earlier and now it was almost time for her to reach home.

I realized I had been so busy all day long. I stretched my legs on the bed and rested my head on the pillow. But I was feeling excited, Mom would be home!

At 11.10 pm, my phone rang, who do you think it was? Yes, it was Mom calling me. She said she would be back home soon and there was no need to worry.

I kept my phone at my side. I thought about when it would be a good time to call her back so that she would be in the van with her luggage on the way coming back home. I manipulated it to be around 12.30 am.

Guess what there was a door bell at 12.15 am. And it was Mom! After her carry-on roller and luggage were brought in by the driver, she sat down in my room for a chit chat. It became a long chit chat and hours were running by until I told her to eat and refresh.

I went to shower and came back to my room unable to stay awake any longer. In the morning I was unable to wake up and write the book I was writing. I slept and slept. It was at this point I realized I took on too much the day before. I constantly worked and also chit chat with Mom for long hours, which was why I was unable to stay on schedule this morning. Next time I intended to be more careful.

I will reduce some of my tasks the day Mom would be coming back home again. I will have minimum work to do on days like this. I will reduce the length of chit chat, if any. I will retire to bed as earliest as possible. Then I will be sure to stay on schedule and wouldn't have to sleep dog-tired late into the morning.

Actually, truly speaking I had taken on myself too much. Mistakes like this can be amended after the first experience in ways I mention above.

Rosina S Khan has authored this article. For a wealth of free resources based on stunning fiction stories, amazing self-help eBooks, commendable articles, quality scholar papers, valuable blogs and terrific academic guides, all authored by her, and much more, visit: http://rosinaskhan.weebly.com. You will be glad that you did.

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Man-to-Man: Advice Column

by Wayne M. Levine

His wife is opposed to him reconciling with his dying sister

Dear Wayne,

My sister cheated/embezzled/stole about seven grand from me in 2001 and we have not talked since. She has made several overtures which I have rebuffed. My wife is dead-set against reconciling with her. But my sister (who lives nearby) is ill and possibly dying and recently reached out again to me. I am not so much angry with her as opposed to dealing with anyone who would steal from me. On the other hand, I have heard often enough that forgiving is the way to go regardless. I think at this point if it were just me I would extend the olive branch, but there is the Mrs. factor. What do you think? Any thoughts appreciated!

Signed,

Stuck in the Middle

Dear Stuck in the Middle, It is just you. It’s you and your relationship with your sister. So the simple answer is, reconcile. She’s your sister. The $7K is just money. It might do you some good to clear up the money issue with your sis. Just make sure you don’t allow her to go back into your wallet. You shouldn’t have to ask for permission to have a relationship with your sister. Things happen. And if this isn’t the time for forgiveness, when is? That’s the simple answer. But it doesn’t address what may be going on behind the scenes. First, your wife has feelings about this situation. I’m sure her resistance to you reconciling has a little to do with her feelings about your sister AND her feelings about you. She doesn’t trust your sister for what she did, and she probably doesn’t trust you for letting her get away with it. The best way to keep your sister from stealing again from your wife (your wife may be thinking) is to make sure you keep sis at a distance. And that would work, except it keeps the two of you from reconciling and healing old wounds while you still can. The other red flag in your description of this dilemma is your willingness to permanently walk away from your sister simply to please your wife. Explain something to me. Is she your mother? Are you 10 years old? Have you actually given your wife the power to determine who will be in your life? Does she also dress you in the morning? You’ve given your power away. We men have a more colorful expression to describe what you have given away to your wife. This state of affairs is deadly for you, and it’s really no good for your wife or for your relationship. You’ve got to get them back and start acting like the man you want to be. You cannot ask for permission to be the man you want to be. You simply have to be that man. When you do so consistently, those around you will learn to respect you for it. So, go be that man. Assure your wife that she has nothing to fear, and then go be with your sister. Chances are, if you are very clear about your terms—no more cash transactions—you’ll be a happier man with all his parts intact.

Wayne M. Levine, M.A., mentors men to be better men, husbands and fathers. Email your questions to MantoMan@BetterMen.org. See how you can become a better man at www.BetterMen.org. 

©2013 BetterMen®




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