Horoscope, Zodiac And Astrology Books For 2019

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Relationships: What Can Someone Do If They Are Triggered In A Relationship?

By Oliver JR Cooper

When one has only just started to spend time with someone, they can find that just about everything runs smoothly. So whenever they are with the other person, they can feel good and even relaxed.

During this stage, they could believe that this is how it will always be and that they won't ever experience conflict with this person. The weeks and months could then pass and this could be how it stays.

A Different Experience

However, even if it stays this way for a little while, there will probably come a time when they start to experience different feelings. What will play a big part here is that one will start to settle down, as will their partner, which can mean that they will become more authentic.

Therefore, the type of things that wouldn't have been said or done before, can end up being said and done. Along with this, the defenses that they have dropped as time has gone by will have opened them up more and made them more vulnerable in the process.

A Strong Reaction

When they do experience feelings that are not particularly positive, it could be something that takes place after their partner has said something or done something. Here, one could end up getting really angry or they might feel really upset, for instance.

After this has taken place, they could blame their partner; with it being clear to them that their partner is in the wrong. It could be this black and white, or they could be far more to it.

Fuel on the Fire

Nonetheless, even If their partner has done something wrong, it doesn't mean that it will do their relationship any good if they end up laying into them. Their partner could keep their cool or they could become defensive.

If they keep their cool and make it clear that they are sorry for what has taken place, one could find that they are soon able to settle down. It might not be long until their inner world is all over the place again, though.

The Same Experience

Before long one could have a very similar experience and, once again, they could lay into their partner. When this takes place, it could be as if one has been possessed by their emotions.

Still, their partner could do what they can to make them feel better. If their partner has done something wrong, it could be said that it is perfectly normal for them to have got worked up and that they are not at fault.

Stepping Back

Nevertheless, if one started to develop the ability to observe their inner world and no longer allowed themselves to be controlled by how they feel, they may find that their partner is not always at fault for how they feel. What they could find is that there are times when their partner simply triggers pain that is already inside them.

Having the ability to contain how they feel as opposed to directing it outwards, will most likely decrease the amount of conflict that arises in their relationship. Something will be triggered and one can be with how they feel, preventing a molehill from becoming a mountain.

Boundaries

What this comes to is that even though one is in a relationship with someone else, they have their own reality (as does their partner). With a strong sense of who they are and a clear understanding of where they begin and end, it will be easier for them to own how they feel.

So through developing their ability to observe their inner world and working on their boundaries, they will be able to heal their inner wounds. Whenever they experience a strong reaction, there is the chance that a wound has been brought up to the surface.

Back In Time

An emotional wound may go back to something that has taken place in their adult life or it could go back to what took place when they were younger. Either way, it will be essential for them to heal it if they want to become a more integrated human being.

The reason for this is that when they were wounded, a part of themselves would have most likely been split-off. Thus, in order for them to reclaim this part of themselves, they will need to embrace it, feel the pain and to gradually integrate it.

A New Meaning

By seeing their pain in this way, being triggered will still be painful but they might no longer see it as something that is bad or negative. It will be a lot easier for them to surrender to how they feel and to grow.

Along with this, they can come to believe that one reason why they would be drawn to someone is to heal themselves. The person they are with is then going to be there to serve in their evolution, as one will be there for serve in their partner's evolution.

Awareness

Without self-awareness, it is not going to be possible for one to realize that another person is only bringing up to the surface what is already held inside them. Self-awareness is what will set them free; free from a victim mentality, free from giving their power away and free from living a reactive life.

If one has got to the point where they can see that they have inner wounds and these wounds are making it hard for them to function, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Teacher, prolific writer, author, and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over two thousand, two hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

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Happy Birthday To All Those Born In December


Are You Ready for a Post-Divorce Holiday?

By Susan Leigh 

Divorce is often a debilitating process. It takes its toll and can impact on every area of life, eroding our confidence, self-esteem and sense of worth, as well as seriously affecting our finances. Often, when it's eventually finalized, we're left feeling drained and flat.

Grief often accompanies divorce. The loss of the life we so joyfully anticipated, the awareness that this stage of our life is over, anger, self-recrimination, resentment perhaps at what's happened. We may even feel a failure, a reject and consequently unlovable.

Often times recovery is dependent on several factors. If children are involved are they settled, accepting and seeming to cope well with the new arrangements? Is a third-party involved? Are we okay with our new domestic situation, living where we want or need to for now? Are things starting to come together again?

Some people may negotiate to stay in the marital home. Others may decide to move elsewhere and maybe choose to have the company of a house share for a while or they decide to move altogether and start afresh. Money is often a significant factor, needing to earn money or perhaps taking the opportunity to review their career direction and future options.

All these important, life-defining considerations on top of the divorce proceedings can mean there's a real readiness to take a break once things are finally sorted. There's a need to regroup and breathe for a while. Some people may choose to break the mood by throwing a party and celebrating their new single status. For others a holiday may be the way to go.

One holiday operator is offering 4 night post-divorce getaways to Las Vegas, with makeovers and fun times included. It's an opportunity to detach from reality and take some time out with friends. Las Vegas is party central so it's a sure thing that there'll be other groups also enjoying short breaks with stag weekends and birthday parties. Plenty of opportunity to let their hair down.

Then there are those who prefer a calmer post-divorce break. Something not too boisterous can provide time and space for reflection and healing. After a divorce, when so much in life has changed, it can be good to take time to consider your longterm options; where you want to live, what you want to do with your life, how you'd like to move forward. Yes, some things need sorting immediately, perhaps as a temporary measure, but longterm decisions are often best postponed till after the dust has somewhat settled.

Already at a crossroads, divorce can be a time to reflect on the different areas of life and start afresh. A holiday can provide a distinct break from other people and their advice, as well as from the routine demands and distressing associations of home and everyday life. Booking a quiet break, perhaps even a retreat can offer a detached time-out from all the old associations and recent turmoil.

Others may want a holiday that focuses on their varied interests, perhaps something they were never able to properly pursue in their earlier life or something new and appealing. They may choose an educational break, perhaps learning to dance, paint, study a language and immerse themselves in a new skill. And this can be a great opportunity to make connections with like-minded people, possibly even making new friendships.

Yes, lying on a beach or going sight-seeing can be fun, but a holiday post-divorce can be a time to detach from what's been hurtful and life-changing, reconnect with yourself and maybe with your children for a while and prepare yourself for starting again once you return. Then you can come back, ready to commit to a fresh start as a renewed version of yourself. Going a little wild with your mates for a few days is certainly one option, but there are plenty of other choices available when you're ready for a post-divorce holiday.

Susan Leigh, counsellor, hypnotherapist, relationship counsellor, writer & media contributor offers help with relationship issues, stress management, assertiveness and confidence. She works with individual clients, couples and provides corporate workshops and support.

She's author of 3 books, 'Dealing with Stress, Managing its Impact', '101 Days of Inspiration #tipoftheday' and 'Dealing with Death, Coping with the Pain', all on Amazon & with easy to read sections, tips and ideas to help you feel more positive about your life.

To order a copy or for more information, help and free articles visit http://www.lifestyletherapy.net


Using Your Mind, For Self - Help!

By Richard Brody 

If you, hope, to become the best, you can possibly, become, it's essential, to assume a high degree of personal responsibility, and help yourself, in a truly, proactive manner! It is essential, to consistently, commit, to USING the finest aspects of your mind, for significant, self - help! It's a matter of mind over matter. If you don't have a mind, it doesn't matter. This sage advice, credited to the late, great, Groucho Marx, stresses, how important, the idea, of mind - over - matter, truly is! With that in mind, this article will attempt to, briefly, consider, examine, review, and discuss, using the mnemonic approach, why, and how, we must improve yourself, consistently, by strengthening, as many mental aspects as possible, including, proceeding with a positive, can - do, attitude, never settling for good - enough, and proceeding, through life, looking for ways to get better!

1. Urgent; urgings; unique; usual/ unusual: If you don't consider your health, happiness, and well - being, as urgent, no one else, will! We must effectively, listen, to our urgings, and address, both the usual needs, and many of the unusual ones! Discover, your unique characters, strengths, abilities, and perspectives, and, seek to make yourself, better!

2. Strengths/ stronger; sustainable; solutions: Know, and take advantage of your strengths, and address/ improve, areas of weakness! Strive to become stronger, by considering, both, your relevant, present needs, as well as the sustainable ones! Consider obstacles as challenges, instead of problems, and consistently seek, the finest, viable solutions!

3. Ideas; image; imagination; instincts; integrity: Be honest in your self - examination, because, unless you maintain absolute, genuine integrity, you will do, irreparable damage to your self - image! This requires having the imagination to perceive and conceive of, how things, should, and could be, rather than merely, as they presently are! Develop your instincts, to consistently, consider, ramifications, and possibilities, so you can proceed, in a well - considered, timely way!

4. Needs; nuances: Consider various options, and be willing to address specific nuances, which might make you happier. Address your needs, and perceptions, in a comprehensive manner!

5. Greater; growth; guiding: How might you become a guiding light, for your personal health, and well - being? Will you make yourself, and the possibilities, greater, and enhance, your potential, for quality, personal growth?

How will you, be USING your mind, to enhance yourself, focusing on self - help? Will you assume this personal responsibility?

Richard has owned businesses, been a COO, CEO, Director of Development, consultant, professionally run events, consulted to thousands, and conducted personal development seminars, for 4 decades. Rich has written three books and thousands of articles. Website: http://plan2lead.net and LIKE the Facebook page for alternative health:



Self-Identity - Who Am I?

By Stephen Russell-Lacy

Who am I? Where am I going? What sort of person will I end up being?' These are questions about self-identity. Genealogy websites help people trace their ancestors. This is an extremely popular hobby. It shows the importance of one aspect of self-identity as we each ask 'Where do I come from'.

How we see ourselves influences how we function in life and people's behavior towards us e.g. levels of happiness, anxiety, social integration, self-esteem, and life-satisfaction.

The way the world thinks about us

The world sees us in terms of physical size, gender, age, health, family situation, job and social status, income, etc. Or in relation to the roles we perform e.g. team player, employer, neighbor, family member, friend. Or how we come across to others e.g. level of intelligence, social skills, whether talkative, calm or emotional, elated or depressed etc.

Private dimension to self-identity

There is also however a private dimension to self-identity. For example if I secretly see myself as a great gardener I might avidly read gardening books. If I see myself as 'old school' I might tend to read magazine more often than perusing the internet.

Some of our self-identity is expressed in the style of our clothes: ethnic fashion, formal wear, business casual, sports, goth, punk, etc. It's not so easy, however, to put into words who we feel we really are deep down.

Some of us have a sense of inner well-being and confidence about the future despite going through the tough times of set-back and adversity. Others of us may be basically unhappy and dissatisfied with ourselves.

Self-identity as a mixture of characteristics

Psychologist Carl Rogers thought that emotionally healthy people tend not to identify with roles created for them by others' expectations, and instead look within themselves for the genuine thing.

The question 'Who am I?' rather invites an all or nothing answer. However, one's self-concept is often a collection of beliefs about oneself. Our self-knowledge may be ill-defined. Are we not allowed to be complex creatures with a mixture of inconsistent features? Can I not be both kind and lazy, honest and unreliable, good and bad?

Youngsters particularly tend to be different people in different social contexts. Who hasn't noticed the teenager who is happy and chatty with his or her friends but a different kettle of fish at home, at times moody and quiet. Which is the real person? How to find out who you are?

Studies of teenagers on-line suggests that anonymity seems to be important. It helps them explore their own priorities and values by experimenting in the way they express various, and sometimes inconsistent, opinions about for example personal relationships.

Integration and self-identity

What we like will vary enormously especially when we are younger. Whether it be wanting to win arguments, satisfy curiosity, achieve success, find a loving partner, etc.

Yet each new interest we develop takes its place in relation to the others and works together with them.

I would say that as we grow into adulthood, we start to become more self-aware and also more integrated as a person. In other words, disharmony between our traits slowly reduces.

Dominant motivation

According to this picture of personal growth, anything which is not in harmony gets pushed to the side. An underlying current gradually forms which draws and bears the person along even though they may not be conscious of this. What they love and value in their life develops in them.

It explains why people find certain things more interesting, and why they are living the way we are. In other words if the individual continues in this way there is the growth of a dominant motivation. What they really want begins to define who they are.

Self-identity relates to basic values that influence occupational choice. For example, the investment banker values money, and the school teacher values education and helping students.

Aside from job choices either negative and positive values show up in other areas that the individual may tend to focus on. It could be gaining power for the sake of getting their own way in things, achieving celebrity status, or accruing wealth. It could be producing quality service or products. Or perhaps wanting new knowledge and skills. Being a loving parent or spouse with happy relationships. It could be any one of a number of things.

Ruling love

So what energizes us? What makes us want to get out of bed every morning? What are we living life for? The answer is the love that rules our life and we see it as good. It defines what is meaningful in our daily life. It molds the principles which we follow.

Even our closest friends cannot tell for certain what underlying motivation rules our hearts. We may not even know ourselves. But nevertheless, I am sure, sooner or later, the whole color and character of the way we live our life is derived from our ruling love.

Conclusion about self-identity

Each person's deepest motivation is unique. However, from an ethical perspective we might want to consider whether our ruling motive is good or bad, involving concern for others, deeper principles, materialistic concerns or mainly self-interest. Self-identity continues to be a work in progress as we try to live out our hopes and values.

"What we love constitutes our life, and whatever we love we not only do freely but also think freely... If this doing and this thinking are not working together in us, then they are not part of our life." (Emanuel Swedenborg, spiritual philosopher)

As a clinical psychologist, Stephen Russell-Lacy has specialized in cognitive-behavioral psychotherapy, working for many years with adults suffering distress and disturbance.

He edits Spiritual Questions a free eZine that explores links between spiritual philosophy and the comments and questions of spiritual seekers. You can share your views and find out more about making sense of life.

His eBook Heart, Head and Hands draws links between the psycho-spiritual teachings of the eighteenth century spiritual philosopher Emanuel Swedenborg and current ideas in therapy and psychology.





Man-to-Man: Advice Column

by Wayne M. Levine

He’s received an email from an old girlfriend

Dear Wayne,

I’ve been married for several years and we have a young daughter. We have had a pretty good marriage over the years. Though we have had our rough spots, I have never cheated. I have made a real effort lately to be a better husband and it seems to be working. Then, out of the blue, I receive an email from an old girlfriend who tells me she wants to meet for coffee. Just when things are getting better, I have to deal with this. I feel like I’m spinning out of control. I don’t know what to do.

Signed,
Email Hell
Dear Email,
Here’s the easy answer: push the delete key. If your commitment is to your marriage and family, no good will come from meeting up with your old girlfriend, especially considering the reaction you’re having to simply receiving her email. You’re spinning now. Imagine what’s likely to happen in her presence!
In order to honor our commitments, we have to close the backdoors. If you’re on a diet plan, it might mean not stopping at fast food restaurants. If you’re in a committed long-term relationship, it might mean staying away from Internet porn, chat rooms or the sensual massage parlor. In your case, it means deleting emails from women who will only distract you from the main woman in your life, your wife.
You’re being tested. It’s time to pass this test. It’s time to close this backdoor and refocus your energies on the mother of your little girl. You’ll see an immediate improvement with the “spinning” condition in your head. Perhaps Nancy Reagan was right after all…just say no!

Wayne M. Levine, M.A., mentors men to be better men, husbands and fathers. Email your questions to MantoMan@BetterMen.org. See how you can become a better man at www.BetterMen.org. 

©2013 BetterMen®




CALENDARS FOR 2019