Horoscope, Zodiac And Astrology Books For 2019

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Relationships: Can Someone's Need To Save Others Have A Negative Effect On Their Relationships?

 By Oliver JR Cooper

If someone was to hear that their friend is going through a tough time, they could give them a call or go to see them. No matter what they do, this could still be a time when they will listen to what they have to say and offer their support.

Conversely, if they are in a relationship and their partner is going through a challenging time, they could also respond in a similar manner. In both cases, one is not going to try to take charge or to take responsibility for what another person is going through.

Boundaries

Consequently, it could be said that they will have a clear idea of where they begin and end, and where other people begin and end. This will be what stops them from trying to walk over another person and acting as though they are responsible for them.

Thanks to this, the other person won't feel as though they are being violated in any way. This can then allow them to feel as though one respects them and sees them as being capable of handling their own challenges.

In Balance

What this can also do is stop one from creating relationships where they are more like a parent than a friend/partner. Furthermore, this will stop from being in a position where they are constantly giving, only to receive very little in return.

There will then be moments when they give and there will be moments when they receive. And as they are not a parent and have their own needs to fulfil, this will stop them from running on empty.

The Right Setting

One will then be able to open about what is taking place for them without needing to worry about if their friend/partner will try to rescue them, and the people in their life will also be able to open up without them having to worry about if one will try to rescue them. There will be no need for any of them to play a role and to hide who they are.

Said another way, one, along with the people in their life, will be able to show up. This will allow one to feel connected to these people and for these people to feel connected to them.

A Different Scenario

If someone else was to hear about what a friend is going through, they could take radically different approach. Once they speak to them on the prone or see them in person, they could soon tell them what they need to do.

Regardless of what they are going through, it can be as if they are not up to the task of sorting themselves out. One is then not going to believe that they are doing anything wrong; they will simply be helping them out.

Another Context

If they are in a relationship, and their partner is going through a tough time, the same thing could take place. Simply being there for their partner and allowing them to deal with something is not going to be an option.

In each relationship that they have been in, they may have behaved in the same way. In fact, one may have been this way for as long as they can remember, which could mean that one is not even aware of what they are doing and the effect that it is having.

No Boundaries

So irrespective of whether it comes to how they behave around a friend or their partner - that's if they have one - it can be normal for another person to feel violated by them. There is the chance that one doesn't know where they begin and end, or where other people begin and end.

This is then why they feel responsible for what other people go through and basically walk over them. One can believe that if they don't resolve what another person is going through, they won't be able to overcome what they are going through.

Out of Balance

One is then going to be like parental figure, while the people in their life will be like incapable children. This doesn't mean that one will consciously see other people in this way, but if they were to take a step back, it might become clear.

Another consequence of behaving in this way is that one will give a lot, yet they are unlikely to receive much in return. They could play the role of someone who is strong and doesn't need anything - a role that will most likely prevent them from being able to experience true intimacy.

Self-Neglect

And through spending so much time trying to fix others, they can spend very little time taking care of their own needs. On the surface they can come across as someone who is always happy to help, but underneath this image can be a lot of anger and resentment.

However, the only way that they will change how they feel i if they no longer behave in this manner. For one thing, they are going to need to stop acting like a parent and as though it is up to them to solve everyone else's problems, and to let go of the role they play and to get in touch with their true-self.

What's going on?

If they were to let go of this role, what they may find is that they are carrying a lot of shame. Trying to fix or rescue others is then going to be a way for them to try to avoid themselves.

With this in mind, focusing on what is going on 'out there' won't change what is taking place within them. For their behavior to change and for them to reveal who they are, they will need to heal the wounds that are within them.

Awareness

The reason why they are carrying so much shame and don't feel comfortable with their own needs can be due to what took place during their early years. The years will have passed but the pain that they experienced will still be inside them.

If one can relate to this, and they want to change their life, they may need to reach out for external support. This is something that can be provided by the assistance of a therapist or a healer.

Teacher, prolific writer, author, and consultant, Oliver JR Cooper, hails from England. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation, including love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over two thousand, one hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice.

Happy Birthday To All Those Born In July


Watering the Plant of Intimate Relationships

 By Sarah Koestner

Today I want to talk about connection. It's something we all want more of and something that in today's culture, many of us are lacking. We lack real connection with friends, family members and even the people who are closest to us: our partners.

Our society doesn't set us up for making connection a priority. Sure there are phones, text messaging and social media, but that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about heart to heart connection that can only happen when the phones are put down and we can slow down enough to really take one another in.

If you have children, it only gets more challenging to create the space to connect. But what happens when we don't make connection a priority?

Our relationships are like plants that need proper nurturing to grow and without tending they whither and eventually die.

Recently I've been struggling with connection. My husband and I are the parents to an amazing (and rambunctious) two year old boy. I have a coaching business and also teach at a university. My husband has his own demanding job. Sometimes it can feel as if we are simply tag-team parenting and passing like ships in the night.

What we've realized is that we need to make more time to slow down and connect-- even if it means that the blog post doesn't get written or the house doesn't get cleaned. It's important to let go of perfection and make time to water the relationship.

Watering your relationship doesn't have to look like going out to a fancy dinner and a Broadway show (although it can). It can also be about taking ten minutes at the end of a busy day to sit down next to each other, check-in and have a few minutes of heart connection. It's can be about taking the extra ten seconds to hug and kiss your partner good-bye, rather than rushing out the door and yelling, "Love ya bye!"

When we make space for connection with our partners, everything gets easier. The connection lightens our load and helps us to remember that we're not doing it all alone. It helps us to reconnect with what made us fall in love with this person in the beginning. And it brings more of a lightness to the routine of every day life. It helps us connect to gratitude and when we are grateful for what we have, we see the world in an entirely different way.

What's one action you can take this week to slow down and connect with a partner or friend? Notice how it shifts your perception and makes you feel more full inside.

Are you a highly sensitive woman who's struggling through a period of transition and is unsure of what path to take? I'm a certified professional coach who received my training from Leadership That Works. My specialty is helping highly sensitive women navigate periods of transition with greater ease and less anxiety. I partner with you to create customized tools so that you're able to access the inner wisdom that lives inside of you.






Man-to-Man: Advice Column

by Wayne M. Levine

He’s accepting the unacceptable

Dear Wayne,

I am married and have two young girls. My problem is with my wife. She blames me for everything, uses foul language all the time, will leave abusive messages on my voicemail when she’s upset—she texted me 15 times the other day calling me an ***hole—and she refuses to go to counseling. I admit that I have not been the most emotionally aware guy in our marriage. But I have been working with a counselor for over a year. I do my best to make changes, to be thoughtful, and to be an example to my girls. I think I have made real progress. But nothing seems to change my wife’s behavior. She says she does not even like me. I don’t want a divorce. I just don’t know what to do.

Signed,

Beaten Down

Dear Beaten Down,

Your problem isn’t your wife. Your problem is your lack of self-respect, your inability to take a stand for yourself and your girls, and in not knowing instinctively what is acceptable and utterly unacceptable. Before you can deal with the history between the two of you, before you can expect to discuss current family concerns effectively, you have to draw a line regarding inappropriate and abusive behavior and language. Until you are willing to take a stand, don’t expect anything else to change. You may be frightened by the prospect of getting a divorce. I don’t blame you. No one wants to see that happen, especially the children. But that fear is paralyzing you, allowing you to continue to accept the unacceptable from your wife. Although it may feel counterintuitive at the moment, the courage to confront your wife’s threats of divorce (I’m guessing the threats are part of her arsenal) and to face her predictably unpleasant response to you taking a stand, is exactly what you need to demonstrate. She feels the absence of a strong, confident, loving and dependable man, so she feels the need to assume that role. The less masculine you are, the more masculine she becomes. And that means the less feminine she feels. Rather than feeling the security of having a man who can care, lead and love, she feels insecure. All of this leads to a lack of respect. With this can come sadness, a sense of betrayal, resentment and anger. And right now, you’re feeling all of it! Your next step is to become the man you’ve always wanted to be. You do that by reading my book, finding a circle of men to help you develop the vision of that man you want to be, and maybe find a different counselor or mentor who understands your struggle as a man and who can support you in this masculine journey. Making this shift is a tall order. But you have to begin. It may not save this marriage, but it’s what you must do to save your life, and to be the very best example possible for your girls. Remember, if you remain that doormat for your wife, you can rest assured your girls will treat their men the same way.

Wayne M. Levine, M.A., mentors men to be better men, husbands and fathers. Email your questions to MantoMan@BetterMen.org. See how you can become a better man at www.BetterMen.org. 

©2013 BetterMen®




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